Last semester, my weeks consisted of going through the motions: wake up, go to class, intern, come home, shove food into my face, run to meetings, walk home, shower, attempt homework, fall asleep and dream tomorrow will be another day. It was redundant – I was incredibly bored. Which brings me to the concept of a schedule. As someone who is afraid of spontaneity and needs a little convincing to try something not listed as an item on my schedule, I constantly wonder whether all my efforts are wasted or will they be worth it one day.
Believe me, I appreciate every opportunity I have been given and I am more thankful than words can ever describe, but the truth is: I am incredibly afraid of the future. I like to pretend I have everything figured out, that my life is planned down to the most finite details, at least until I’m 30 – planning my life up to 10 years from now is reasonable, right?
But even with all the planning and the steps and the lack of sleep, a part of me still wonders what I’m doing with my life. I know public relations is where I want to start; I know technology is the industry I love; I know that hard work leads to success, but what I don’t know is if all the stress will bring me eventual happiness.
I was told once that people have this perception that my life revolves around the future of my career and more importantly, financial stability and wealth. But in reality, my only wish isn’t wealth, but happiness. Honestly, I just want to find a position that will bring me happiness and provide me with the ability to get up every morning and still be perfectly content with everything I do – a constantly changing and advancing environment that promotes learning.
So, in short, this is my rant about wondering whether it is all worth it in the end and whether I can ever truly achieve consistent happiness. No, this is not meant to be an overly emotional, please pity me post; this is me, scared out of my mind. I’m just a 10-year-old wannabe Disney princess stuck in a 20-year-old wannabe career woman’s body.